My experience with time has been warped since the pandemic. I am definitely not alone. Friends and family have reflected the same in passing conversations. Something like a year and a half from the start of the pandemic and onward seemed like a time outlier; that time didn't count. It was a complete disruption of my mental framework of the progression of my life. My job was disrupted. My decision making processes. Dating. Being around friends. Developing new friendships. Learning about yourself through the way you intended to live your life. We were thrown into a situation that no one chose and had to make the most of it. Which we all did! I still grew immensely. But life seemed stalled, even if it wasn't.
I think two solid years after that first year and a half still seemed different. Some disruptions from the occasional lockdown. In grad school, we had at least two instances of months long remote classes. And yet, most of my experience returning to school was in person. It's hard to imagine what that felt like for everyone in school, graduating, or parenting kids in the heart of the pandemic.
Time since starting my career fellowship has also been strange. Part of this is the nature of my job. Policy writing can seem aimless. Deadlines are constantly moved around, so that there often isn't one! This affects motivation to complete projects or even do the necessary work to learn about them. The election further disrupted work. So, I end up sitting at my desk staring aimlessly at my computer. This time becomes occupied by scrolling unless I construct systems to divert myself from my phone.
Scrolling social media is a time-manipulator and usurper. My time is marked not by accomplishments, creative activities, growth in hobbies, but by an endless scroll of meaningless content lost to ~time~.
At this juncture in my life, I am looking to reclaim my time. I aim to create my own structure of how time is spent and used in my future. I feel like I can no longer wait for external forces to choose that for me. To be ok with being buoyed along. I can make purposeful decisions on what the future should look like.
Time does feel like it's slipping or accelerating. As I get older, the length of years seems shorter. Four years between elections doesn't seem that long. I start to wonder if I'll actually see the things I hope to see in life be accomplished: big policy changes, and expanded social safety net, building better cities, transit, etc. The defeat of American facism. I wonder if it's wrong to even wait and hope for these things to happen? Happiness will have to come from my immediate life, the decisions I control, the things I can make happen. Family, friends, small kindnesses, community, art, music, reading. Making things. Loving people.
I feel the need to plan out my days but I also can't do that and not look all the way to the end. I can't plan everything. I can't plan up until my death. Then I'm not living. I'm certainly not in the present.